Well, the English lived up to their reputed frenetic fanaticism for football (a little alliteration always brightens my day). As a side note, I can no longer call it ‘soccer’. It feels phonetically strange to say, like it’s some new word I’m learning. So to avoid embarrassment and potential shunning, I just go with football now. Anyhow, on that note, Friday was the Oxford vs Oxford Brookes football game, and it lived up to its billing. Predictably we lost, but rather unpredictably, was the wit and rowdiness that gripped our fans throughout the debacle of a game. When the final whistle blew, the scoreboard read 5-2 for Oxford, but if the decision had been based on fan support instead of goals, it would have been a convincing victory for Brookes. Of particular note was the raucous group of gentlemen in the far corner of our side of the stadium. Henceforward they will be known as the Fan-boys. Whether they were slightly inebriated or not could not be conclusively verified, but if so, they were remarkably witty drunks. Here is a sampling of their taunting material. I apologize for the language, reader discretion advised:

-          “You’re gonna lose the boat race!” The ‘boat race’ being the historic regatta between Cambridge and Oxford

-          “Does your butler know you’re here?”

-          “Will your chauffeur pick you up?”

-          “You’re up past your bedtime”

-          “Is this the fucking library?” Oxford fans were quiet

-          “Can you hear Oxford sing? I can’t hear a fucking thing” Like I said, they were quiet

-          “You only sing when you’re winning” When they finally stopped being quiet, that was worthy of harassment too

-          “You only have five fans” A minor exaggeration, but nobody’s perfect

** There were other taunts, but in the interest of good taste and for the sake of my audience, they have been omitted. Those who are more interested may ask me in person.

I should point out that these taunts were all sung, not merely chanted. We aren’t cave-men. Other notable moments included:

-          - When, down 3-0, the Fan-boys decided to pretend we had scored. Following a countdown from 10, they erupted and started dancing and singing, all while the game was in progress.

-          - When Brookes took to passing the ball with surprising precision (a move that would have been helpful when the score was 0-0 instead of 4-1) and the Fan-boys started singing “It’s just like watching Brazil”.

-          - When the score had grown to 5-2 and our chances were finally and convincingly dashed, (even though the Fan-boys were singing “We’re gonna win 6-5!”), the boys yelled for Oxford to start the wave, which they happily did. It reverberated along the stands for a few blissful moments (NOTHING beats the wave) and when it finally died, the Fan-boys yelled “You only do what we tell you”.

-          - The “Stand up if you love Brookes” chant (we all stood up and clapped, to the enjoyment of the Brookes benchwarmers), followed soon after by the “Shoes off if you love Brookes” chant (we all waved our shoes in the air, again to the enjoyment of the benchwarmers who were trying, and failing, to look serious)

And finally, what good is a football game without a streaker? Yes indeed, one of the Fan-boys took it upon himself to make a naked statement and after careening over/through the security fence (he didn’t clear it so much as tackle it) he darted on to the field. The security guards were reluctant to make fools of themselves chasing a naked man around a wet field, and who can blame them, but the streaker had time to sit cross-legged in the middle of the pitch as play somehow went on around him. After scampering around some more, with a surprising agility, the brave soul ran off into the next field and hid somewhere. He was later seen, thankfully covered by a coat, walking back toward the stadium as we filed out, held in a vice grip by an understandably displeased looking security person.

It was a riot, and I left the game strangely pleased that we didn’t win. By the end I was watching the Fan-boys more than the game. One was an irreverent bunch of obnoxious Englishmen, and one was a football team getting their lunch handed to them, who would you choose? It was a comic, taunting sideshow almost worthy of Monty Python. Almost.